He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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