yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
