I've blown a few things in my day
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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