Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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