at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
