he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
