there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We are all done wearing pants today
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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