No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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