My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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