well I can't set my house on fire every night
I met the friendliest cop last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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