It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
