Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
