dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
