We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
