i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
