He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
