Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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