I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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