Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
