I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
