I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
