listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize