Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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