Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
