i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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