do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
