Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
