I wish I only lived at night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
