WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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