Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
