Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
