I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
