i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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