Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just gift wrapped bread.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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