the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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