I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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