3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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