There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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