Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
