So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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