i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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