Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
