my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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