New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
