My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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