Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
