You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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