Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
