I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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