It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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