after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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