well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
