Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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