She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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