The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
