the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
