I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize