I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
