I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
