The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
