I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
there's paper in my vomit.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
