i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize