Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
