____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
