It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize