I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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