that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
