: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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